For many mothers, the responsibilities of family life continue long after the children have gone to bed. Planning school activities, remembering appointments, checking messages and keeping track of household chores can create a constant stream of decisions and reminders.
Stacie Matthias, a 37-year-old mother of three from Stockport, described the feeling as having a head that is always full. She said she often goes to sleep with a mental list of everything that still needs to be done.
The experience is commonly known as the “mental load”, referring to the planning, organising, remembering and anticipating needed to keep a household functioning.
Research suggests this burden falls disproportionately on women in heterosexual couples. A study involving 3,000 parents by researchers at the University of Bath and the University of Melbourne found mothers were responsible for 71% of household tasks requiring mental effort.
These responsibilities included remembering when household items needed washing, monitoring food supplies and keeping track of family schedules. Fathers were more likely to handle tasks described as “episodic”, such as arranging vehicle servicing, which happen less frequently.
The issue has gained attention among parents, with discussions appearing regularly on online forums. Several mothers told BBC News they had become the “default parent” for school communications, including WhatsApp groups covering trips, birthdays, uniform requirements and other announcements.
Sophia, a 35-year-old mother of three in Portsmouth, said she manages school-trip payments and lunch orders through school applications, while her husband has never downloaded the relevant app. She said the difficulty was not simply completing individual tasks but having to anticipate them in advance.
Sam Berry, a deputy headteacher and father of two in London, said he initially struggled to understand the concept when his wife raised it after their first child was born. He later recognised that asking his wife what he could do still left her responsible for deciding what needed doing.
Experts say the constant stream of small demands can affect wellbeing. Clinical psychologist Natasha Wallace said some women experience stress because their minds remain occupied by hundreds of minor responsibilities. Poor sleep, irritability and decision fatigue can follow, she said.
Researchers and parenting experts say the imbalance can also affect careers. Women may reduce working hours or leave employment when domestic responsibilities become difficult to manage.
Experts point to maternity leave and traditional household roles as contributing factors. UK mothers can take up to 52 weeks of statutory maternity leave, compared with up to two weeks of statutory paternity leave.
Parents seeking to share the burden more evenly are being encouraged to discuss responsibilities clearly, use shared calendars, hold regular check-ins and take full ownership of specific categories of tasks.
Experts also warn against trying to solve the problem simply by becoming more efficient. Reducing unnecessary responsibilities and making time for family connection may be more valuable than maintaining a perfectly organised household.
